How to live to Ninety and Beyond

 

                                                 How to Live Past Ninety

 

        For starters, this program is for those who are susceptible to suggestions.  I have a program for those who are not, but not here.  We presume you are a person without infirmities and in average health, and are interested in living, not only to a very old age, but in such good health that you can golf, swim and play tennis without attracting attention.

          There is no secret to longevity and don’t let hucksters sell you on a bill of pills, diets and expensive treadmills.  All you need is common sense, the kind your folks used during the recession when living was so astringent and money so tight that the only way to survive was to sing and dance to show tunes while passing the hat.  My program is broken down to three simple parts.  Part one is your mental attitude toward life and how it affects your health.  The second will be on diets: not to lose weight, but to strengthen libidos, and the third part will be on physical exercises and its importance to your doing what you do and doing it with ease.  If you follow what I have outlined, I guarantee that you will live past the age of your parents and in excellent health too.  No, I am not selling anything harmful to make a profit, nor asking for anything in return….but feel free to donate.

                                                           Shall we begin?

 

                                                    MENTAL ATTITUDES

          To feel great and avoid death, you must have a sign on the space above your bedroom door. The letters should be large especially if you’re nearsighted.  It should be written on a piece of thin cardboard, or paper, or right on the wall itself.  It should be done with lots of colors so use colored felt tip pens.  Do not inhale while doing it.  And the sign will say, “YOU HAVE A CHOICE TODAY.  YOU CAN BE HAPPY OR SAD.  IT IS UP TO YOU.  Do not write it in cursive.  It’s hard to read cursive, especially yours.  If you don’t have space above your door, or your neck hurts when you look up, then tape the sign to your eye level, so you can see it without difficulty.  Make a point to look at it when you get up in the morning to face the mirror and brush your teeth.  Bad breath can ruin the best of plans.

          So you say just putting up a sign won’t make you happy.  You say being happy is easier said then done?  Why?  Are you maxed out on credit cards and loaded with debts?  Perhaps a near relative has died, or your grown children are still living with you? Or did your spouse run away with your best friend leaving a note saying that living with you was the pits?  So how can you possibly be happy? 

                               Look at it this way….Will being sad help? 

           No matter what the situation, you can smile and be happy because YOU made a decision to be happy… and it didn’t cost you a cent because the best activities in life are free, and being happy is one of them.  How do you stay happy under adversity?  I give you an example.  When people cut you off in traffic, don’t get angry.  Pretend it’s your son or daughter driving by and giving you the finger.  Knowing it’s your children, you would more likely chuckle and say, “That’s my boy (or girl)”.  Smile when debt collectors pound on your door.  You know they are only hired help and have a rotten job. Put on earphones and ignore them. When you are told that there is no bonus this year and you’re on the lay off list, it translates to mean freedom and opportunities for new adventures.  Life is a point of view.  I am sure you can think of other extremes, so I’ll stop.  You are in control.  You have a choice to make.  Today, you will be happy or sad...  And chances are, you will.

           The next thing you must do for a positive mental attitude is to avoid STRESS.  Stress will make you sick; it will shorten your life, it will make you constipated, it will cause you to lose hair and itch in a dozen places (although scratching an itch can sometimes rival orgasms…so I’m told).  Stress is most often caused by confronting bigger people (bullies, bosses, your children) or by fate (like cancer, poverty, loss of job).  Avoid confronting people that are threatening.  How do you do that?  By avoiding the problem.  By running away. By hiding.  Retreat is no disgrace when longevity is at stake.  Ask any coward (have you notice, a lot of them grow to real old age?)

          What about fate?  Say to yourself that you are already deceased.  Being dead you don’t exist.  Nothing is expected of you.  Behaving in such a manner, pretending you’re invisible, people will think you’re crazy and avoid you, thus, having one less obstacle to contend with.  Being dead, you will experience a cascade of epiphanies.  You will experience the tremendous relief knowing that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you thought you own, you don’t.  It was all RENTED.  All the awards, the prizes, the possessions you’ve accumulated over the years to ease your insecurities was just a bunch of steaming cow poop.  In that present nebulous form, you will come to the conclusion that you can’t take it with you, no matter how hard you try.  That avarice, pride and silly ambition was just a colossal waste of time.  You will morph into a better, much happier person, and all because you got up in the morning and saw a crudely lettered sign saying that cow poop might not be worth the bother. 

                                                                      DIETING

             There are some people I call “the terrible skinnies” because they can eat anything and not gain an ounce yet have heart attacks.  There are others I call Wal-Marters because they resemble the majority of people that patronizes Wal-Marts, (curvy and overweight).  Regardless of their appearance, these people have lived long and happy lives. Weight Watchers, Nutria system, the Atkins diet, South Beach diet, High Fat and High Protein diet are largely unsuccessful.  Why?  Because their object was NOT to live longer or be healthier, but to lose weight (and to make as much money off of you as possible)!  If you are overweight and unsightly, it’s the observer’s problem, not yours.  They’re the ones being judgmental, and you know what the Bible says about those people.  You no longer care what they think.  You are only interested in being happy, in being healthy, and living a long, long life, and you can do this by being narcissistic and seeing that all items entering your stomach will exit in the shortest time possible, which means eating a lot of fiber with…. 

          ….the most important item: water.  Eat lots of water.  It could be in the form of diet sodas, tea, beer, coffee, wine, milk, butter milk, or just plane tap.  They all contain water.  You may add packets of artificial sweeteners but stay away from sugar.  Drink, especially when you’re not thirsty.  Drink a full glass of liquid before you eat anything. Water will lubricate your joints and cleanse your entire system, and if you saw the inside of your intestines, you will agree, it definitely needs cleaning.  Nobody likes to be constipated…. except camels (they can hold it forever).

          Carrots: cooked or raw adds color to your plate. And you need color in your drab life.  Cook a whole bunch and keep it handy in the fridge for snacking.  You can never eat too much carrots…unless your skin begins to turn a bit yellow, then I would suggest you stop…for a while, anyway.  Ginger: put a quarter size in everything you eat.  Pound it with a hummer to soften it, then throw it in anything you’re cooking.  Eat it raw or dipped in artificial sweeteners.  Enough of it will do wonders for your skin, open your blood arteries, and cause your ears to ring. Ginger is the spice of life.  You are aware that they make beer and ale out of it? 

          Now, I know that most of you hate broccoli.  It takes a lot of preparation, but it is fine if you drink a lot of wine with it.  Take a bite, take a sip, and like Pavlov’s dogs, condition yourself into loving it . When you’re peeling the tough outer skin of the broccoli, pretend it’s somebody you hate and you’re slowly skinning it alive.  Hear the screams.  Peeling your victim would be revenge served cold.  Chop the broccoli in sections, put it in a casserole dish with a spoonful of water and a slice of ginger, and microwave it for three minutes and hear it scream some more.  See, no trouble at all.

          And the most important food you must have?  SOUP!  Soup is amazing, it’s so versatile. You can throw all kinds of vegetables and fruits into it (even bananas) and it will taste delicious. I mean, who doesn’t like soup?   And it is only good if it contains BEANS.  Lots of beans.  Any kind of beans.  Use a large crock pot.  Fill it with nine cups of water.  Throw in 2 cups of dried beans (any kind) that has been soaked.  Add 8 ounces of deboned chicken cut into small cubes.  Peel and slice eight medium size carrots, add an ounce of white dried fungus, throw it one whole slice onion, any left-over veggies, and turn the crock pot on high for eight hours.  Salt to taste.  When it’s cool down, add some MSG, ladle the soup into pint size plastic containers and shove them into the freezer.  Have hot soup at lunch, every day preferably with a glass of red beer and garlic French bread and Life will be good.

          There are other fine edibles that you can throw into the soup pot and is good for your health, or not, but too numerous to mention here so I won’t. 

 

                                                      PHYSICAL EXCERCISE

          You sit there, alone in your easy chair watching Netflex, or Hulu, or Acorn, or whatever.  You feel guilty because you’re munching on popcorn loaded with butter or crunching on that candy bar or chomping on a fried drumstick.  You sit there brooding because you have flabby underarms and you look like a pear.  You feel your life slipping away while you stare mesmerized at the neon tube.  You would like to be playing tennis or go swimming or do a round of golf, but you don’t, and I don’t blame you.  It is difficult leaving that cozy sofa and that very safe living room.  What to do?  How can you get off that snuggly sofa and bowl of popcorn.  You know you WILL die early at this rate……if things don’t drastically change. 

  
         Fortunately you are reading this blog and it has a simple solution.  No expensive equipment, no fitness club dues, no plunging into ice cold waters for a swim, no heavy lifting, no jogging, no….All you have to do is make a box at least eight inches high that will hold your weight.  Put it in front of the TV.  During commercials, step up and down on it.  Do it 150 times and you would have move your body weight up ten floors.  The fatter you are, the more weight you will be moving.  You will be huffing and puffing and in seventh heaven before you know it.  And when you’re finished, just shove the box under a chair or use it for a coffee table.  See how simple it all is?  Just that simple box will make you healthier and add decades, and I mean decades, to your life without moving away from your 55” Samsung or your cozy living room so near the kitchen. 

          And there you have it.  My entire program on how to live a long and healthy life.  Isn’t it simple?  And it didn’t cost you a dime...(although feel free to donate)

            To sum up…just do it.

                                                                                      Thank you.