How to lose 50 pounds in less than a year

 

 

                                              How to lose 50 pounds in less than a year

         

         Yea, I know you’ve heard that old saw before, but give me a moment and I will personally guarantee you…let me repeat that…guarantee you, that by following my method as prescribed on this short essay, you will lose 50 pounds in less than a calendar year.  And to top it off, it will cost you nothing except perhaps a little of your time and the availability of one item.  Absolutely.  I’m doing this because I am so tired of all these diet programs, diets pills and, yes, even Weight Watchers, that promises weight loss, and the only weight loss you experienced is in the vicinity of your wallet.   Aren’t you tired of it too? 

      Especially when you go to the supermarket and see all those trashy publications, each and every one definitely containing an article featuring the latest diet program promising you weight loss with no effort on your part.  And, ironically, that same supermarket will sell you more of the stuff to put it all back on. 

      Yes, it is in their interest that you go on a diet.  I can see them now, high fiving while they sell you those apple turnovers loaded with lard…but you deserve it, right?  You’ve been on a diet for a week and you need the strength of turnovers and thickly buttered corn to give you the strength to continue with your diet.

 

          Being very fat in my youth and still living with that image, I’ve given sixty years of thought and observations on this subject of weight loss and the problem of truth avoidance.  I have observed which diets worked and which hadn’t.  Well, I hate to disappoint you, but none that I have observed worked.  Many lose weight, true, but they pack it back on months after reaching their goal.   It’s no wonder that food manufactures are happy you’re on a diet.  So are publishers of diet magazines, diet supplements, diet organization that sell you their special diet foods, I could go on and on.       

  

     Even Dr. Oz have his daily core message based on some form of dieting and using the trendiest edible ingredients, ingredients grown only in the far reaches of the Arctic Circle or deep, deep in the hot, humid jungles of Central Africa, ingredients not listed in Webster’s Dictionary and very hard to pronounce, let alone spell.       

         Dieting is a trillion dollar business, and not just here in the USA, but in many parts of the Far East, Europe and South America.  There is a powerful conspiracy to keep the thought of dieting forever in your forehead.  I think I am taking my life in my hands when I reveal my method on how to lose 50 pounds in less than a year…and more important…how to keep it off!  When these powerful food corporations find out what I am trying to do, my life wouldn’t be worth a plugged nickel… (will, not exactly, I’ve purchased quite a bit of life insurance, so if they do kill me, I’ll be a rich man).  In fact, if you read this, your life may well be in danger…so beware. 

 

        I have broken down this information on how to lose 50 pounds in less than a year into an easily understood method that you can follow….but before that happens, we have to ask yourselves three questions:

                          Number one: why do you want to lose weight?

                          Number two: Is it wrong to be fat?

                          Number three: If your answer to number two is no, then should we go back to question number one?                                  

          You would think that question number one would be obvious.  Doesn’t everyone, who can stand to lose a few pounds, want to lose weight?  The answer is: not really.  In fact, we in these United States, are the only ones obsess with weight loss.  Other cultures think that being fat is a sign of great prosperity.  It is good to be fat somewhere else.  So if you’re fat, move, you’re certainly not a loser in those countries.  Some foreign cultures have been known to be infected with the North American slim-is-trim, fat-is-fat belief that eating less is a good thing, but we do live in North American where being fat means you are condemned to shop at Wal-Marts and eat at Burger Kings.  There you will definitely not be noticed.   

         Then there is the problem of constantly buying clothes to fit.  You know, of course (it’s so obvious) that the clothing industry is controlled by Unilever, the maker of high caloric foods that put inches around your waist.  By making you gain weight with mayonnaise and Ben and Jerri’s, then losing it with diet programs, you would constantly be buying clothes to fit your guilt racked body.  One size will stretch to be too large, one size will shrink to be too small when neither has taken place.  It's you that have been see-sawing in size.

         What about not being able to walk several miles because you’re heavy, and have foot problems thereby shortening your life?  You’d be huffing and puffing at the least bit of exertion, and do you know that that sort of breathing is annoying to others.  Being heavy will most likely also cause you gout and prevent you from ever having beer.  And what kind of life is it without beer? 

          So…you want to lose weight and stay at that weight, then you can buy the same size clothing and not have to change every few months.  You want to lose weight so you can shop at Target (with a better class of people) and eat at Subways (with still a better class of people).  You want to lose weight so you can be free as the wind and run a mile without annoying others and drink beer.  I think those are very good reasons to shed some pounds.

 

Well now…..shall we begin?

 

          The first thing you have to do is strip off all your clothing and take a good look at your naked self in front of a full length mirror.  It might dawn upon you why they invented clothes.  Now, ask yourself, “Can I afford to lose 50 pounds?”  You know, some of you can’t without risking health problems.  After all, fat does give you a cushion.  And if you did lose 50 pounds, will your kids, your friends, your enemies, still recognize you?  Of course, if you owe them money, it would be a good thing. 

         But if you don’t owe them anything, lost of weight on your part will deprive all of them those conversations centering around your recent weight gain.  When they get together, they will have nothing to talk about because they were so use to talking about your “problem”…gleefully, I might add.  Because when they talk about your “problem” they won’t be centering on their problems.  It’s a mental health issue.

         But what the hell, we are talking about weight loss, and how happy we will be losing all that extra baggage.  We will not be concerned about other people’s happiness, just ours.  We will be selfish and lose those few extra pounds. 
       
         Before I go any further, people who have been reading my essays stated that they were much too long.  They said that after a thousand or so words they would fall asleep.  They have become so accustom to accepting sound bites that... anything over five hundred words would be a bit much.  I see that I’ve gone over a thousand so I will quickly sum up.  To lose 50 pounds and keep it off…

 

do you happen to have any tape lying around?

 

 

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