Trump at the Pearly Gate
WHERE AM I?
WHAT HAPPEN? GOD DAMN!, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF SMOKE! AND
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? IF YOU’RE THE
HIRED HELP, YOU BETTER PUT OUT THAT FIRE, OR YOU'R FIRED.
No,, no, there is no fire. Calm yourself. These are clouds, and you are at Heaven’s
Gate. I am Paul, the temporary keeper of
the Gate. Peter usually sits here but he
took a sick day.
INCREDIBLE! LAST THING I REMEMBER I WAS STANDING THERE LOOKING AT THAT
LOSER RYAN, AND I WAS IN HIS FACE SAYING HE COULDN’T DO HIS JOB, AND I WAS CALLING HIM A WIMP, A TRAITOR, AND A GUY WITH NO BALLS...AND I GOT SO ANGRY THAT I THINK I...I FAINTED.
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Well, Mr. Trump, you didn’t exactly faint.
GOOD GOD! IF THIS IS A DREAM, IT'S AMAZING. WAIT...I DIDN’T DIE, DID I? NO, NO…I’VE JUST BEEN ELECTED PRESIDENT, AND MY TREMENDOUS FANS EXPECT GREAT THINGS FROM
ME. I CAN’T LET THEM DOWN. THEY APPLAUDED THEIR HIND BUTTS OFF FOR ME AT ALL MY FANTASTIC RALLIES.
I’VE GOT SO MUCH GREAT THINGS I HAVE TO DO.
I’M ONLY SEVENTY YEARS OLD…GIVE OR TAKE.
CAN’T WE NEGOTIATE SOME SORT OF DEAL, AND I COULD GO BACK? I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE.
‘Fraid not. You may not realize the gravity of this
situation. You are now standing at the edge of eternity and I am here with 12 angels to decide on your status and level of
placement. So I will have to ask you a
few questions, if you don’t mind.
REALLY? IS THIS REALLY THE GATE OF HEAVEN? I AM DISAPPOINTED. I HAD EXPECTED MORE. SAD, VERY SAD. MY SUITE AT THE TOWERS IS FABULOUS AND MUCH
BETTER SUITED TO BE HEAVEN THAN THIS PLACE.
I DON’T WANT TO SEEM UNAPPRECIATIVE, BUT I WOULD PREFER THIS SO-CALL JUDGEMENT
TO TAKE PLACE
IN MY SUITE, IF YOU DON’T MIND. NO OFFENSE, BUT THIS PLACE DON’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE MY TRUMP TOWER SUITE OR MY MAR-A-LAGO, WHICH, BY THE WAY; HAS A FANTASTIC ENTRACE. . WAIT A
MINUTE. AM I GOING TO BE JUDGED? HEY! I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS. I NEED TO HAVE MY LAWYERS PRESENT....AND MY
SON-IN-LAW. YOU DON’T HAVE THE AUTHORITY. I ‘M PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ON THAT BASIS ALONE, I SHOULD BE SITTING NEXT
TO GOD. I’VE CALLED ON HIM OFTEN
ENOUGH.
No, you haven’t.
WHATTA MEAN? I CAN’T COUNT THE TIMES I’VE USED HIS NAME.
But only in the course of profanity and
the damning of others.
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?
Never mind. You are fortunate that God is forgiving of
children and psychopaths. We are here to
decide which of these two you are, as your behavior shows that you must be one or
the other. But, in any case, you will be
admitted to this Kingdom
of Heaven, as God is forgiving of all souls.
YOU MEAN EVERYONE IS
ADMITTED? THAT DON’T SAY MUCH FOR THIS
PLACE. I THOUGHT IT WAS EXCLUSIVE… LIKE
MY PLACE IN FLORIDA. NOW, THAT PLACE IS FANTASTIC. HEY, I’M THE GOOD GUY HERE. I WILL ADMIT ANY PERSON TO MAR-A-LAGO,
AND I DON’T CARE IF HE’S JEWISH, BLACK, BROWN, OR GAY, AS LONG AS THEY TAKE A BATH,
NOW AND THEN…AND HAVE THE ADMISSION FEE, WHICH IS A LOT... I[M JUST SAYING.
Isn’t that also a barrier? The requirement of having to put up monies to
enter? Doesn’t that exclude the
poor? But we’re not here to debate, but
to judge on your status.
BUT WHAT’S TO JUDGE? YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT I AM TO BE ADMITTED. AND I AIN’T NO PSYCHO,
AND I GAVE UP SHORT PANTS YEARS AGO... MAYBE SOME OF MY CABINET MEMBERS ARE THAT WAY, I COULD NAME A FEW, OR ONE OR TWO OF MY LOYAL STAFF MEMBERS….AND
THEY’RE ALL FABULOUS PEOPLE, BY THE WAY…
According to our records, you have,
more than once, exhibit psychotic tenancies or just childish behavior, we don’t
know which… Your psychological profile fits that of a psychopath or that of a
very spoilt child. You have lied,
betrayed, cheated, hurt others, and you are a lover of mirrors. Our question is, do you admit that you are
the sum total of all these evils?
HEY! THOSE THINGS YOU MENTIONED ARE MANLY
ATTRIBUTES. I DON’T EXACTLY CALL THEM
EVILS AND I DON’T DENY HAVING THEM…WITH THE EXCEPTION OF BEING A LOVER OF
MIRRORS. I ONLY LOVE THOSE THAT REFLECT
THE MARVELOUS ME. I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING
WRONG WITH BEING SURPREMLY SELF CONFIDENT.
Our next question: are you….
I CAN’T ANSWER ANY MORE
QUESTIONS! MY LAWYERS AND MY
SON-IN-LAW AREN'T PRESENT. SAY, HOW ABOUT A
TRADE? MY SON-IN-LAW IS AVAILBLE TO TAKE
MY PLACE. WHAT DOES HEAVEN WANT WITH AN
OLD COOT LIKE ME, ANYWAY? NOW MY
SON-IN-LAW IS YOUNG AND PRETTY AND GOT BRAINS TO BOOT. HE’S SUPER GOOD WITH PEOPLE…AND, ABOVE ALL...HE’S A HARVARD MAN. WHAT MORE COULD GOD
ASK? IS IT A DEAL? WE CAN NEGOTIATE THIS. I CAN THROW IN BEN CARSON IF YOU LIKE. IF NOTHING ELSE, THEY CAN ENTERTAIN GOD NO
END.
God does not negotiate.
ALRIGHT, HERES THE DEAL. I WILL GO ALONG WILLINGLY IF….IF…WHAT AM I
SAYING? I’M GOING TO HEAVEN ANYWAY, SO
WHAT’S TO NEGOTIATE? BESIDES, I DON’T
WANT TO NEGOTIATE WITH UNDERLINGS, …NOW, SHOW ME THE WAY IN.
We still have to decide what your
status is so we know what level you belong.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HEAVEN IS HEAVEN, SO WHAT’S THERE TO DECIDE?
No, no, heaven isn’t that way at
all. We actually have ninety-nine levels
of Heaven and we have to decide where to put you. The way I see it, and I’m sure my other
twelve angels will agree with me, that you definitely belong in the lowest quartile of
Heaven’s spectrum.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING
ABOUT? LISTEN, THE EXPLINATION, KEEP IT SIMPLE. BREAK IT DOWN SO A CHILD CAN UNDERSTAND. IN FACT, I’M NOT MUCH FOR ANYTHING THAT
REQUIRES TOO MUCH THINKING...SO CAN YOU DO THAT
FOR ME?
We will try. Let me see….let’s use an example. There are ninety-nine levels of Heaven, and
Hitler, uh...you are familiar with Hitler? Well, he happens to be on his ninety-seventh level and is working
toward his ninety-sixth. He progresses by
suffering all the agonies he has directly or indirectly inflicted on each and
every individual. By doing so, he will
begin to realize what he hath wroth upon his victims and the enormity of the truly evil crimes he has committed. He becomes contrite through his suffering.
LET ME SEE IF I CAN FIGUER THIS OUT…DOES
THAT MEAN HE…HITLER HAS TO GO THROUGH PAIN AND SUFFERING TO GET TO ANOTHER
LEVEL? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? HE STARVES OR BURNS HIMSELF IN AN OVEN, OVER
AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL HE FEELS ALL THE SUFFERING HE HAS EVER CAUSED? THAT SOUNDS FAIR TO ME, AND HOW OFTEN
DOES HE HAVE TO DO THIS?
He would have to suffer as many
times as has his victims.
WOW!
THERE WERE MORE THAN SIX MILLION VICTIMS AND COUNTING… AND HE HAS TO DO
PAIN AND SUFFERING SIX MILLION TIMES UNTIL HE HITS NUMBER LEVEL ONE? THAT MUST BE SOME FANTASTIC LEVEL. AND YOU PEOPLE NEVER GIVE UP IN TRYING TO REDEEM CREEPS LIKE HITLER?.
We never give up on anybody, and we have the
time. In fact, Hitler is doing quite
well. He has gone through unspeakable
torture and pain and has risen two levels in less than a century and has
only ninety six more levels to go. But of
course, when it comes to victims who are children, his suffering for redemption
will be tripled so that should slow him down a bit. Eventually, say, several
thousands light years of time, he should be able to obtain level sixty-six:
that is where Caligula is at presently, but, then, Caligula started at a higher
level.
UH…I PRESUME I AM SOMEWHERE UP THERE IN THE TOP
LEVELS. I ADMIT I HAVE DONE SOME BAD
THINGS IN MY LIFE BUT I WAS ALWAYS THINKING POSTIVE….AND I MEANT WELL.
Well, Mr. Donald Trump. After taking a vote, we, the twelve angels
and I, have agreed where you are to be and, in your case, which is quite complicated, you will be put in our very special category of Heaven.
I AWAYS KNEW I WAS SPECIAL... WAIT A MINUTE…WHY ARE YOU TURNING RED
AND I THINK YOUR TAIL IS SHOWING. WHAT
IS THIS? WOW, ITS GETTING WARMER NOW…COME
ON, DON’T KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE…WHAT IS THIS SPECIAL CATEGORY OF HEAVEN?
It’s called “Alternative Heaven”. That person with the pitchfork will guide you
there. Good luck.
