Incident at Falling Rock

 

 

                                                  Incident at Falling Rock               

      
       Gentlemen:  I have here in my hands a letter from the representative of the Ladies Auxiliary League of Artist’s (LALA) co-op gallery, and it is address to the City Council of Falling Rock, which are us.  The author of this letter is Prof. Ebinhoffer, who most of you know is presently serving as interim spokesman for that organization.  I wish to submit it to this distinguish body for consideration.  It is an apology from the LALA co-op, and written, in all probability, to avoid further litigation on our part for the unprovoked attack on one of our city council members.  Since I don’t have copies to hand out to each of you, I shall read it out loud instead, and ask that it be entered into the minutes of this meeting.  Are you all in agreement?  Fine.  Then I shall proceed:

 
Dear City Councilmen,

        This is an apology for that incident that took place Tuesday evening at the open forum where council member (Big) John Uptight put forth the motion that the city rescind the $5000 grant given to LALA co-op gallery.  We do not know the reasons behind this, but you can understand the emotional upheaval this has caused our members.  Without the grant, the co-op gallery will be unable to move from its present location, which happens to be right next door to the Greyhound Depot.  It is the memberships’ desire to move to a more suitable venue, like somewhere near a Macys, or a Target, or even a Wal-Mart.

        I agree.  Councilman Uptight should not have been subjected to such unwarranted physical abuse.  The grant is not small, and I do sympathize with Big John’s expressed desire on why the money should instead be awarded to groups with more pressing needs like, for instance, the Cultural German Folk Dancing Ensemble who are in dire want of a new dance floor at the Falling Rock Senior Center. 

         Ever since the craze of barefoot dancing has swept this community, many elderly folks, young ones included, have been filling the emergency room of our local hospital with injuries from splinters acquired while dancing on a wooden floor laid down during the Hoover Administration.  This would make the floor nearly ninety years old.  I also learned that Big John’s wife, a leading member of the Cultural German Folk Dancing Ensemble, personally suffered a six-inch splinter in the big toe of her right foot.  The hospital attendant said that the injury she suffered was exceedingly painful and could have been avoided if the floor was in better condition.  So you see, I am fully aware of the pressures that face Councilman Uptight to award the grant to where he thinks it is more urgently needed.

          Although the LALA co-op members has not acquired horrendous physical injuries like that of Mrs. Uptight, they do undergo a tremendous amount of emotional stress by just being located right next door to that noxious bus station.  There exist levels of trauma you people can hardly imagine.  We are presently located in, what I consider, a toxic environment and definitely not conducive to Art and elderly ladies.  I know what it’s like for I am, and have been for several years, a member of LALA. This may come as a shock to some of you but I have never made it a secret, nor have I tried to hide the fact that I am the only male member of that organization.  You may draw any conclusions you want from that, but it is not illegal.

          I know that some of our LALA members have a tendency to be downtrodden misfits and are subject to emotional depressions and violent behaviors, but gentlemen, to rescind this grant that would have enable us to relocate our co-op gallery away from that bus terminal, is deplorable and detrimental to our membership.  Have any of you been near a bus terminal lately?

           In many cities and towns, sociopaths and their homeless counterparts tend to gravitate around bus depots.  Why? I can’t imagine.  The problem is these dangerous and very anti-social people have been mistaken for the artists!  The artists are there usually participating in some art exhibitions and receptions taking place within the co-op which is right next door to the bus station.  Some of our most wealthy patrons, large donors, head of corporations, our city’s finest, attend these openings.  Some have even invited these sociopaths and bag ladies into their homes for supper thinking they were the artists in residence and later finding out that some of their silverware and small furniture were missing.  Since our better artist-members do resemble these people (it is really difficult to tell them apart), and have added tendencies not to confront nor defend themselves, we become guilty by default and by proximity association. 

          But this is not to excuse the behavior of certain protesters of our group who took it upon themselves to do what they did.  Again, we apologize, Big John, for some of our elderly members who got carried away with their enthusiasm and threw latex paint at you.  They should have taken it out of the can first.  I did caution them. 

           Since Councilman Uptight will be hospitalized for a length of time, I beg the council to table the action until he is able to get back on his feet.  At which time he is welcome to reintroduce the motion…if he cares to.  In the meanwhile, be assured that the Ladies Auxiliary Artist League Co-op wholeheartedly condemns violence in any manner, shape or form.  And that we send Councilman (Big) John Uptight, our whole hearted apologies, and that he recovers from the dent on his forehead soon.

 

                                                                     Sincerely,
                                                             Prof. Elbert Ebinhoffer

                                                           

Entered into the minutes of the Falling Rock City Council meeting on September 9, 2015     

Action taken:  All members of LALA co-op participating in the assault on Councilman John Uptight were sternly reprimanded, with the exception of Mrs. B. Bushton, who is chairwoman of the open forum refreshment committee.  She claimed she was too weak to pry open the lid.