The Candidate for President, Senator Bushton

 

                                        The Platform of Senator William Bushton

 

 

This is the third in the series of interviews with the Independent candidate for the Presidency of the United States, the Junior Senator from Bumpkin, Maine, Senator William Bushton.

 

      As you have requested, Senator, we have inform the readers that none of these questions were given to you beforehand, so this will be the first time you have heard them.  Now, can we proceed with the interview?

 

      I HAVE NO PROBLUM WITH THAT.  FIRE AWAY!

 

      Why should you have a problem?  You’re the one requesting the preamble.

 

      DO I HEAR A DISTINCT NOTE OF HOSTILITY IN YOUR VOICE?

 

      No, my mother taught me to be fair and unbiased in all my interviews even if the interviewee happens to be a jackass….which you are not, of course.  So let us proceed with the first question.  Senator, what is your tax plan if you’re elected to the presidency?

 

      I’M GLAD YOU ASK.  I WILL START OFF BY SIMPLIFYING THE TAX CODE TO A ONE PAGE DOCUMENT.  ANNUAL CORPORATE AND INDIVIDUAL INCOMES OVER A MILLION DOLLARS WILL BE TAXED AT 50%.  ANYTHING OVER A HUNDRED THOUSAND WILL BE TAXED AT 25%.  THOSE MAKING HALF OF THAT, 15%, AND THOSE UNDER THAT, NOTHING.  NO INCENTIVES, NO LOOPHOLES. NO AND'S, IF'S OR BUT'S

 

      What about capital gains, tax incentives and charity deductions?

 

      IF YOU GIVE AN INCH, YOU’LL END UP GIVING A MILE.  I’M ALSO GOING TO ENLARGE THE I.R.S. INVESTIGATIVE AND COLLECTION BRANCH BY 50% OR MORE.  ACCORDING TO MY FIGUERS, WE SHOULD PAY OFF OUR NATIONAL DEBT WITHIN THREE YEARS.  WITH MY BUSHTON TAX PLAN, WE CAN AFFORD TO REBUILD OUR INFRASTRUCTRE, OUR BRIDGES AND ROADS, OUR FRACTURED EDUCATION SYSTEM.  ALSO, THERE WILL BE FREE COLLEGES FOR THOSE WHO QUALIFY.  WE WILL BE ABLE TO….

 

      Won’t there be quite a bit of opposition to that proposal from the top 1%?

 

      HOW MANY BILLIONS DOES ONE MAN OR FAMILY NEED?  INNOVATION IS THE WORK OF INDIVIDUALS WHO WILL INNOVATE WITH OR WITHOUT INCENTIVES.  THE ACCUMULATION OF MONEY IS NOT A PRIORITY OF GREAT INVENTORS.  IT IS ONLY THE HEIRS TO FORTUNES, MADE BY THESE INNOVATORS, WHO ARE THE PARASITES.  STRONG LEADERS ARE NOT AFRAID TO RAISE TAXES ON THESE PARASITES.  WHAT THIS NATION NEEDS IS STRONG LEADERSHIP TO ELIMINATE POVERTY AND INEQUALITY, AND THAT IS WHAT I AIM TO DO IF I’M ELECTE, TO LEAD…STRONGLY.  I LEAVE IT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO DECIDE IF MY BUSHTON TAX PLAN IS RIGHT OR WRONG, AND BE DAMN WITH THE OPPOSITION.

 

      By the way, where do you get all your figures from?

 

      HERE AND THERE, SOME I MADE UP ON THE WAY.  IF TRUMP CAN DO IT, SO CAN I.

 

      What is your position on immigration?

 

      I LOVE ALL IMMIGRANTS, ESPECIALLY MEXICANS AND ORIENTALS WHO I THINK ARE TRUSTWORTHY AND HARD WORKING.  FOR EXAMPLE, I HAVE THREE OF THEM WORKING AT MY HOME RIGHT NOW.  I HAVE A CHINESE NANNY FOR MY NINE YEAR OLD SON, MY HOUSEKEEPER IS A MEXICAN, AND SO IS MY GARDENER.  FINE PEOPLE.  OH, AND I MUST INCLUDE THE MANY MEXICAN WORKERS WHO JUST RECENTLY INSTALLED MY ROOF AND DUG THE TRENCHES FOR THE NEW SEWER LINE TO MY HOUSE…

 

      Were all the people working on your roof and sewer line, Mexicans?

 

      COME TO THINK OF IT…NO.  THE FOREMAN WASN’T.  ALL HE DID WAS TO WALK AROUND WITH A CLIPBOARD.  IT WAS MEXICANS THAT DID THE WORK.  YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN’T FOR IMMIGRATION. I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO AFFORD ALL THAT NEW CONSTRUCTION AND THE SORELY NEEDED HOUSEHOLD HELP.  THEY ONLY GET MINIMUM WAGE, YOU KNOW, AND HAPPY TO GET THAT, ESPECIALLY MY CHINESE NANNY WHO DOES THE COOKING AND CLEANING UP WHEN WE HAVE PARTIES.  SHE NEVER COMPLAIMS ABOUT THE EXTRA UNPAID HOURS SHE PUTS IN.  MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE HARDLY SPEAKS ENGLISH?  I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.  ORIENTALS ARE SO OBEDIENT AND CHEERFUL.  I ALWAYS SEE HER SMILING.  OF COURSE, ANY LEFT OVERS AFTER A PARTY, WE LET HER TAKE HOME TO HER FAMILY.

 

      That is generous...And are those people employed by you, in this country legally?

 

       I HAVE NO IDEA.  I ADVERTISED FOR HELP IN THE DAILY PAPERS AND THEY SHOWED UP.  I PRESUME THEY'RE LEGAL.  BESIDES, MY WIFE TAKES CARE OF ALL THAT.  I GIVE  PEOPLE BADLY NEEDED EMPLOYMENT.  NON-MINORITIES ALSO APPLIED BUT THEY DIDN’T EXPRESS MUCH ENTHUSASIM, NOR GRADITUDE FOR THE WORK OFFERED.  I THINK THEY WERE OFFENDED AT THE SALARY RATE QUOTED. 

 

       Then you are for the immigration policy as it is now being conducted?  And would you be for illegals having their children here for citizenship purposes only?

 

      SURE, WHY NOT?  WE GOT TONS OF ROOM.  YES, WE DO HAVE A FEW BAD APPLES IN THAT GROUP, I’M SURE, BUT THEN WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF BAD APPLES FROM  PEOPLE THAT CLAIM OF HAVING IMMIGRATING GREAT-GREAT GRANDPARENTS SAILING ON THE MAYFLOWER AND  WHO WERE FIRST TO LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.  I DON’T SEE TOO MANY OF US COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM.  BESIDES, WHAT WITH OUR HORRENDOUS DIVORCE STATISTICS AND LOW BIRTH RATES, WE COULD STAND AN INFUSION OF NEW BLOOD.

 

      In your earlier statement, you mention something about a free college education for those who qualify?  Could you expound on that?

 

     GLAD TO.  WE SHOULD OFFER A FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION FOR ALL THOSE WHO QUALIFY BY THEIR ABILITY TO HANDLE THE WORK.  IT SHOULD BE PAID FOR BY THE GOVERNMENT AND FINANCE BY RAISING TAXES ON THE VERY RICH.  I FIRMLY BELIEVE THERE IS A CONSPIRACY BY CERTAIN POLITICIANS, CORRUPTED BY COPORATE LOBBYIST, TO KILL PROPOSED TAX HIKES TO HELP  FINANCE HIGHER EDCUCATION,  MAKING PUBLIC COLLEGES  SO EXPENSIVE THAT THE MAJORITY OF QUALIFIED STUDENTS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND. 

 

     Isn’t that a bit far fetching?  A corporate conspiracy to up the cost of college?  To what end?

 

      THINK ABOUT IT.  IF THE COST OF COLLEGE IS TOO GREAT FOR THE AVERAGE HOUSEHOLD, WE WILL HAVE LESS COLLEGE GRADUATES TO FILL VACANT POSITIONS IN CORPORATE AMERICA.  THESE COPORATIONS WOULD THEN LOBBY CONGRESS TO GIVE GREEN CARDS TO GRADUATES FROM FOREIGN COUNTRIES WHO HAS RECEIVED A FREE EDUCATION BECAUSE THEIR COUNTRY’S HIGH TAX BASE PAID FOR IT.  THEY COME OVER HERE TO WORK, AND IT DIDN'T COST OUR COPORATIONS NOR THEIR SHAREHOLDERS A CENT IN TAXES TO EDUCATE THEM. 
      AND THESE PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE ARE EVER SO GRATEFUL THAT THEY WILL WORK FOR MUCH LESS THAN OUR NATIVE BORN AMERICANS, AND WOULDN’T DREAM OF DEMANDING MORE BENEFITS FROM THEIR BENEVOLENT EMPLOYERS.  THIS TACTIC HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS, AND IT IS STILL GOING ON NOW.  OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND YOU.  WHAT COULD BE BETTER FOR COPORATE AMERICA AND ALL ITS HIGHLY OVERPAID CEO'S AND THEIR MINIONS?

 

      I must admit that it makes sense in a convoluted sort of way.  Now, another very important question…if elected president, what would be your solution to the problems of the Middle East?

 

      WHY?  IS THERE A PROBLEM?

 

      Of course there is.  There is civil war in Syria: hundreds of thousands of civilians are uprooted, dying of exposure, migrating to strange lands while unsure of being welcome.  There is the intrusion of Russian influence in the Middle East, the rise of ISIS, and the danger of an accidental conflict between us and Russia, both armed with thousands of atomic missiles aimed at one another.

 

      LET ME REPHRASE THAT.  WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM….FOR US?

 

      What do you mean?  Of course it’s a problem for us.

 

       YOU DON’T THINK OUR OCEAN IS A GREAT BUFFER ZONE AND LOGISTICALLY A MILITARY PROBLEM FOR POTENTIAL ENEMIES?  ASK ANY MILITARY BUFFS AND THEY WILL TELLYOU THAT IT CERTAINLY IS.   NO, THE MIDDLE EAST IS A PROBLEM FOR EUROPE, FOR RUSSIA, AND FOR CHINA.  THEY'RE IN THE SAME LAND MASS, AND ALL CONNECTED TOGETHER SO THAT THE CONTENDING ARMIES CAN MARCH FROM ONE END TO THE OTHER WITHOUT EVER GETTING THEIR FEET WET.  AND IF WE DON'T  STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY, IT MOST DEFINITELY WILL BECOME A PROBLEM FOR US. 
      WHAT WE MOST CERTAINLY DO HAVE, IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, IS THE SLIGHT-OF-HAND OF SOME POWERFUL INTERESTS WHO WANT TO DIVERT OUR ATTENTION TO THE MIDDLE EAST, AND AWAY FROM THE PROBLEMS WE ALREADY HAVE HERE AT HOME: THE PROBLEM OF POVERTY, THE INEQUAILITY OF WEALTH, THE INFUSION OF DRUGS FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER, THE RACIAL TURMOIL AND EXTREME UNDER EMPLOYMENT OF NOT ONLY BLACKS OR BROWNS, BUT OF THE POOR EMPLOYMENT PROSPECTS OF THE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WITH AN I.Q. UNDER 100, WHICH IS HALF THE POPULATION.  THAT IS THE PROBLEM THAT MUST BE ADDRESS, NOT THE PROBLEMS OF THE MIDDLE EAST.

    

      What about Putin arming the Syrians and keeping Assad in power, and the possible confrontation with Russia?

 

       HOW CAN WE CONFRONT ANYBODY IF WE’RE NOT THERE TO BE CONFRONTED?  ASSAD MAY BE A BRUTAL DICTATOR BUT HAVEN’T WE TOLERATED WORST ONES?  COME ON; THINK OF JOSEPH STALIN, MAO TSA TUNG, AND KIM JONG U.  WE STOOD BY WHILE THEY ELIMINATED MILLIONS OF THEIR FELLOW COUNTRYMEN.  PUTIN MAY BE BUILDING UP RUSSIA’S INFLUENCE IN SYRIA, BUT I HEARTLY APPROVE OF HIS ACTION.  HE IS SPENDING HIS NATION’S BLOOD AND GUTS TO STABLILIZE THE AREA AND WE ARE COMPLANING?  WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A MEDAL. 
      IF I’M ELECTED, THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO IS MEET WITH THE MAN BECAUSE I TRULY LIKE HIM.  HE IS CHARMING AND WE WILL BE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE BOTH UNDERSTAND GEO POLITICS, AND WE MULTUALLY RESPECT EACH OTHER.  AGAIN, IF I'M ELECTED, OUR TWO COUNTRIES WILL BE ETERNALLY AT PEACE WITH ONE ANOTHER AND, BECAUSE WE HAVE LARGE AMOUNTS OF ATOMIC WEAPONS, THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL LISTEN TO US AND MAKE PEACE WITH EACH OTHER, IF NOT BY REASON, THEN BY FORCE. 

 

      You truly believe this?

 

      YOU ARE SKECPTICAL?  WELL, I DON’T BLAME YOU, SEEING HOW NAÏVE YOU REPORTERS GENERALLY ARE.  LET ME FILL YOU IN.  WHEN BUSH JR. INVADED IRAQ, HE FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE LESSONS LEARNED FROM VIET NAM.  PRESIDENT OBAMA DIDN’T FORGET AND I WON’T EITHER IF ELECTED.  WHEN PUTIN MOVES HIS ARMS AND TROOPS TO SYRIA, THANK GOD, HE HAS FORGOTTEN THE LESSONS LEARNED FROM THEIR INVASION OF AFGANISTAN, BECAUSE  DEFEATING ISIS WILL BE COSTLY.  STABILIZING THE WHOLE MIDDLE EAST WILL BE COSTLY.
       I SAY, LET THE GAMES BEGIN...WITH US AS OBSERVERS, NOT PARTICIPANTS.  IT’S A NO-WIN SITUATION FOR US TO BE THERE.  OUR MILITARY ADVISORS KNOW THIS AND SO DOES PRESIDENT OBAMA.  NOT SO, MANY OF OUR CONSERVATIVE CONGRESSMEN WHO STILL THINK JOHN WAYNE WAS REALLY IN THE MARINES AND WAS KILLED IN THE INVASION OF IWO JIMA.   WHEN THE DUST SETTLES, AND IT EVENTUALLY WILL, THEN, IF I’M ELECTED, I WILL MOVE IN TO THESE DEVASTATED AREAS AND TRY TO REBUILD WITH JOBS, EXPORTS, AND A SOUND, DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT BACKED BY GOOD, SOLID AMERICAN TROOPS.  MAKES SENSE, NO?

 

     Your simplistic solutions to complex problems sound a lot like that of another conservative candidate for the presidency.  And I am referring to a certain owner of a hotel chain.

 

      ARE YOU REFERRING TO DONALD TRUMP?  YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS HIM.  HE HAS ENOUGH PUBLICITY WITHOUT ME ADDING TO IT.  BESIDES,  I’M NOT THAT HELTER-SKELTER IN MY LOGIC, AM I? 

 

        I cannot comment on that.  I’m only a reporter.  I know it’s been a very long day for you, Senator, so here is my last two questions, both which should be politically innocuous for you to answer.  The first question is, what do you consider the most pressing problem of the 20 century?

      OVER POPULATION.  TOO MUCH LAND CLEARED AND DEVOTED TO LIVESTOCK.  TOO MUCH LIVESTOCK EATING GRAIN AND  TOO MANY PEOPLE EATING LIVE STOCK ENCOURAGING MORE LIVESTOCK EATING MORE GRAIN.  I'M NOT JOKING.  MORE CLIMATE CHANGE IS DUE TO THAT FACT THEN ANYTHING ELSE.  HAVE LESS PEOPLE EATING LESS LIVESTOCK USING LESS LAND CLEARED OF FORESTS WILL HEAL THIS PLANET THAT IS SLOWLY DYING.  MAKE NO MISTAKE.  ITS IS DYING...AND RAPIDLY.  IF I'M ELECTED PRESIDENT, BELEVE YOU ME, I WILL MAKE CHANGES TO STOP IT.

       That's a grim picture.....my second, and last, question is....what do you consider the most important innovation of the 20th century?

       OH, THAT'S EASY.  THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF MODERN TIMES IS, OF COURSE, THE 2 PLY, ROLLED, TOILET PAPER.  I CAN'T SEE LIVING WITHOUT IT.

 

      And on that UPLIFTING note, let me thank you, on behalf of the readers and myself, for your time and candid opinions on the state of the union. 

 

      YOU'RE WELCOME, AND THANK YOU.  OH, AND ONE MORE THING CONCERNING GUN CONTROL THAT WE DISCUSS ON THE LAST INTERVIEW.  I MUCH RATHER A CRAZY GUY COME AFTER ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT OR A KNIFE OR AN IRON PIPE.  I CAN RUN AWAY FROM THAT.  I CAN'T RUN FAR IF HE'S GOT A GUN.