How to Make Friends and Influence Aliens

                                     How to Make Friends and Influence Aliens.

 

        …..Especially those aliens from Eris and planets further out.  Actually, this guide is address to you young diplomats, attending sixth grade and have already decided on a career in inter-planetary politics.  This is to provide guidelines on your behavior toward these aliens.   First off, to make friends…being friendly would help. Although that goes without saying, I am saying it anyway.  In any case, no matter where the alien is from, do not, I repeat, do not make comments on its appearance or its shape, even though its form may be repulsive or its odor repugnant.  Saying the wrong thing may aggravate it and cause it to liquefy you.  If you must make a comment, do so only in a positive manner.  Always, act calm and normal, and if that’s not possible, try not to wet yourself… although aliens may think it’s the custom in our world. 

         

         If the alien is from Trumpania, one of Uranus’ moons, do not offer your hand in friendship since its inhabitants are perfectly round and, therefore, cannot extend an appendage.  They may think you are mocking them, and this innocuous action may cost you that extended limb.  In this guide, aliens are referred to as “it” unless a gender can be established.  Trumpanias do not have a gender and will be referred to as “it”.  They are, also, the size of basketballs.   They do not have eyes or a mouth, or sexual apparatus as they are completely oval and smooth all around except for a red spot on top.  They communicate by telepathy, so when approached by these creatures, do not panic when you start hearing sonorous voices in your head.   Trumpanias can be vocally loud.

 

         Upon meeting these Trumpanias, they may inquire about all that hairy growth in all your openings.  Explain to them that there is a lot of pollution on our planet, and you use the hairy growth to filter out the air you breathe.  That would be an acceptable answer.  Be polite.  If they remark how terribly ugly you are with your furry surface, long tentacles and a multitude of mucus openings, remember, Trumpanias are like autistic children: they have no concept of what is, or isn’t, offensive to say.  They generally say what is obvious.  You should, in turn, comment on the efficiency of their symmetry and their good fortune to be round.  They might be puzzled on your awkward method of travel since they have no trouble rolling up to speeds of 30mph.  Tell them that you prefer to go on the slow lane, enabling you to savoir each and every scenic offering encountered in your limited journey through life…And agree that hairy legs in general, yours in particular, are really archaic and quite unsightly.  Remember, you are a diplomat and a representative of Mother Earth…or what’s left of it.

 

         Aliens from the planet Penceiter will present different problems.  Like Trumpians, they also communicate by telepathy, only softer.  So if you hear whispers in your head and see a cloudy mist before you, do not be alarm, it is the steamy haze of Penceters speaking to you. They do not posses a gender.  You may ask them, or even the Trumpians, how they manage to reproduce…and they will tell you…and you will not understand their explanation, but always answer in the affirmative.  If they have to repeat themselves, they may draw the conclusion that you are stupid and why are they even speaking to you?  Penceiters are very formal.  They may inquire how you manage to move all those extensions, like your fingers.  It’s a mystery to them: they see no wires. Tell them it’s magic. They understand slight-of-hand and will accept that answer, since you can’t explain, even to yourself, how you do it, anyway. 

 

         The main problem with Penceiters is their physical nature.  They don’t have one.  They become a white fog or a steamy vapor, but only to those who have eyes to see.  They realize it’s difficult for beings like us to communicate with something that isn’t there …but is.  Therefore, they materialize, otherwise, they won’t bother, as it takes great effort to be visible.  There will be times when a hazy puff of smoke will appear and you brace yourself for a soft message from a Penceiter…and you find that it is only your parents smoking.  It can be disconcerting at times.

 

          Dealing with aliens from Devos may seem easier because they resemble things living on our planet.  The problem is, and be cautiously aware of this; Devos' suffer from acute paranoia and you are either for them or against them.  At this point, try to remember that they have a form of government that can be described as organized anarchy, an oxymoron to be sure, but each Devos thinks she’s a government in herself.  And, being plant-like with roots anchored to the soil, you can see why she thinks that way.  Do not let its appearance of leafy foliage relax your vigilance.  Some of their leaves are razor sharp and their branches can extend to quite a distance.  And do not mention that you are a vegetarian.  It will not help your cause. 

 

          Devos’ communicate through leaf waving.  It will be one of your language studies in political science when you’re a post-grad.  Since each Devos’ is self-sufficient, there is nothing you can bribe them with, except perhaps, water.  Always side with her when it comes to educating their youth, which would be seeds.  They believe in home schooling mainly due to being rooted and their inability to be mobile.  Do not enquire about that handicap, unless you have an extra limb to spare.  You may offer your hand in friendship and shake their leaves…but not too long, as they may construe this as sexual harassment.  Be especially careful of Devos’ that resemble coffee plants.  And for God’s sake, do not pick their beans. 

 

          The above are just an example of the aliens you will be dealing with.  Keep in mind that their form of culture will be based mostly on the way they are shaped.  Trumpians, for example, being encapsulated in a ball, have no need for wearing apparel, shoes, chairs, cars, eye glasses, hearing aides, gloves, or eating utensils.  Since they have little material needs, they are left with their favorite amusement, which would be controlling others.  Their second proclivity is rolling around in a circle contemplating.  What they are contemplating, no one seems to know.  But there are millions of them and we suspect that they do communicate with each other like ants on earth.  If angered, they may mass together and tear you to shreds, although we have never heard of it happening before. We, also, do not know what would anger them, so be diplomatic at all times. 

 

         Be especially accommodating to the needs of visitors from Pruiton, a very distant planet out of our solar system.  These Pruitons are made up entirely of carbon and may easily be mistaken for chunks of coal.  Steer them from stoves and barbeque pits as they have aversions to them.  How they manage to exist, God only knows, but they do exist and, by all accounts, unfriendly by nature.  They travel in groups and leave black smudges wherever they go.  When making accommodations for them, do not bother with clean sheets, and keep them from areas that have fire places.  There is still a large ground to cover over the subject of alien diplomacy but we must call it a day and will continue this orientation, mothers permitting, next week.  In the meantime, practice the above with another partner.  Get it right, as most of these aliens do eat meat, any kind of meat as long as it’s fresh.   Try not to be their dinner.  Thank you for your attendance.