How to Die Young

                                       

                                        How to Die Young.
     
         I went to the supermarket today and discovered 5 pound canned hams on the shelves again, the kind that vanished from the shelves of supermarkets decades ago.  It was a ham injected with water, salt and all sorts of chemicals.  The chemicals were labeled as seasonings, and printed in very tiny letter so it wouldn't frighten the consumers.  Normally, I do not like regular ham…except those 5 pounders; those, I love.  It was flavored with MSG, soaked with nitrites and all sorts of chemical enhancements.  It was invented by food scientist and taste-tested in laboratories so that it would be tempting to even the most harden of vegetarians The canned ham was deliciously moist, succulent, and packed with pig fat, and all it the right places.  It was irresistible.  It was the kind that made heart surgeons rich beyond their wildest dreams.

       Anyway, years ago, some damn do-gooders complained that there were no good reasons to inject water into can ham.  They claimed it made the ham weigh more and we end up paying for water.  What’s wrong with that?  People buy bottled water.  So what if the manufacturer makes money sending us to an early death.  We all have to die sometime.  As a result of the complaint (actually a good deal of complaints) the Food Safety and Inspection Center, FSIC, (not to be confused with the government financial arm) insisted that no water be injected, and that all the chemical ingredients be shown in a more conspicuous place, large enough so a magnifying glass would not be needed for people with normal eyesight.  Changes were made to comply with the FSIC resulting in less and less 5 lb canned hams being sold and, eventually, producers stop making the 5 lb canned ham altogether.
       
          In 2003, I think I accidently bought a 5 lb can with the new format.  It had no water, less salt, less chemical enhancements (and did it taste ever so disgustingly bland and as dry as cardboard).  I stopped buying ham for several years.  Then last week, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  There it was: the 5 lb canned ham guaranteed to give you a stroke if you eat enough.  Why have they started?  Were the manufacturers hoping the new Trump administration will not enforce regulations?  I didn’t care.  I want to make America great again, so I bought a dozen.
    
         I got the hams home, opened one, and I was not disappointed. It glistened with so much marbled fat that I nearly swooned.  The ham is now in my sandwich, resting between sliced tomatoes, fatty mayonnaise, and wilted lettuce.  I know it is very, very salty but it is balanced out generously with loads and loads of sugar so that you can hardly taste how salty that ham really is.  It’s the same trick used in most restaurants to enhance the flavor of their food.  Lots of salt will bring out hidden flavors in food, but how to cover it up?  Lots of sugar, that’s how.  That is why you feel so thirsty after eating in those restaurants and wonder, how come? The food wasn’t THAT salty…but oh yes it was. 
     
         Now, getting back to how to die young….I haven’t a clue.  I just thought the title would attract readers (my immediate family).