Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The Road Not Taken




                                                        A Road Not Taken

        

         “Can’t live with old people.  I’ve a hard enough time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing my turkey neck,” said Maddie Horowitz.  “They say that old people die quicker in places like this.  I think I seen it in a TV documentary; it was on PBS…or something like that. And if it ain’t true, why would they say it?”  Mother and daughter sat side by side in the reception room of the Meadowlark Board and Care Home, both looking tensed and uncomfortable.  Maddie continues, “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I get lapses of memory now and then, but that’s typical at my age.  I do not wear diapers. I can walk without a cane, and I can feed myself.  I don’t need people to care for me.  Old folks should be protected from well meaning children…and I resent, I resent being shipped into a geriatric institution just because you....

         “Oh, shut up mom,” snapped Helen wearily, “and don’t give me any more of your bullshit philosophy.  Here’s the reality: this is the third time you left something burning on the stove.  You nearly burnt the house down, goddamn it.  It took your neighbor, who, by the way, hates you, to call the fire department.  She saw smoke pouring out of your kitchen window.  I was told that when the firemen banged on your door, you opened it and…guess what, mom; you asked them…YOU ASKED THEM WHAT THE HELL THEY WANTED!  My god, doesn’t that tell you something?”

         “That neighbor is always spying on me.  Listen, the fire was at the other end of the house.  I would’ve caught it if Joanie hadn’t called.  Joanie just love to gossip and it would’ve been so rude to cut her off.  Joanie’s my best friend, and I just got caught up in the flow.  It could’ve happen to anyone” said Maddie.

         “Not anyone, just old people like you,” retorted Helen.  “One time, you fell asleep with the heater on right smack against the sofa…and the other time, you went to visit, god knows who, and you left eggs boiling on the stove.  Luckily I dropped in that day to see how you were.  And how many other accidents you hadn’t bothered to tell us?  You're old. You’re nearly eighty, ma.  Haight and Asbury isn't there anymore.  They’re all here in senior places like this.  Look around you.  You can make new friends, enjoy the company of people your age, talk about how you miss free sex, smoking pot, or whatever you people talk about.   You’ll have time to relax…and this seems like a really nice place.  It doesn’t smell of urine.”

         “It smells of old people,” uttered Maddie under her breath.  She turned and examined the décor of the lobby.  They were the same as the other care homes they had visited: fake floral decorations, shinny linoleum floors, faded landscape prints on the wall, and that smell…that smell of Fabrize…she hated that smell.  It had the fragrance of a funeral parlor.  And the last thing she might ever see in this world is its ceiling, when they wheel her out on a gurney, dying from bed sores or something close to it.  “I don’t like places like this.  I don’t like the smell of disinfectant.  I don’t want to make new friends.  My old ones are bad enough.  At my age, I deserve privacy and to die in my own bed and in my own home.” 

         Helen tightens her lips.  She was middle aged and felt her energies draining into the brown cushioned bench.  Her brothers have moved away, far enough to provide the excuse for not visiting more often.  Her mother, on the other hand, always had an atrabilious disposition, so Helen couldn’t blame her brothers for staying away.  Why are daughters the only ones to be caring for their elderly parents?  At least it seemed that way.  And her mother is so difficult, so peevish.  Probably because she spent her years tolerating, rather than loving, the man she married.  When he died, she told her children that she stayed married to the man because of them.  Her main goal in life seemed to be expounding on the sacrifices she’s made, and how unfairly life has treated her.  Her children had become the captured audience.  No one else seemed to be listening.      

         A door opened, and two men sauntered into the lobby and approached. The nearest one spoke, “Mom, this is Mr. Holloway, the director of this establishment.  Now, this isn’t a done deal, and we have other places to look at, but, like I told Helen, I think this place is really special, and it’s close to us.  A little pricey, maybe, but we can afford it.” The man who spoke was Richard, stock broker, and Maddie's son-in-law.  Maddie thought he was a prick.  

         The other man was dressed informally in a white T-shirt, blue jeans and a politician’s smile.  He stuck out his hand. “How do you do, Maddie?  You don’t mind if I call you Maddie, do you?  We’re sort of like a family here, and I want Sue,” he motions to the receptionist, “she’s our assistant director, to show you what we have to offer, and I’m absolutely certain that if you decide to stay with us, you will find this a most pleasant place to live.  So, Sue, please give Mrs. Horowitz the tour of the place, and answer any questions she might have.”

          “Like I said, this isn’t a sure thing, mom,” injected Richard.  “There are still other places we can look at.  We don’t want to press you in any way.  We just want you to be happy.” 

         Wants me to be happy, that’s a load of horseshit, thought Maddie.  Just want me out of their hair and their conscience.  Maddie wished her daughter had married someone else, but she had to admit, Helen was no prize either. “It’s okay, Richard, it’s okay.  So, Sue, lead the way and I’ll see what there is to see.  But don’t go too fast.  I’ve got a bad hip.”

         “Perhaps you need a walker?” asked Sue, hugging a clip board. “We have several spare ones in the lobby.  Should I get you one?

         “Having a bad hip doesn’t mean I’m cripple.”  Maddie said, with a sarcastic edge.  “Maybe when I’m feeling better.”

         “This is our main center,” said Sue, as they entered an enormous room with a high sculptured ceiling, “and you can see we have a large pipe organ on the side wall there, and a grand piano.  Do you play?”  Maddie shook her head.  Sue continued the tour, “This is our little theater where we have many activities.  We do have professional entertainment every Tuesday night and Bingo every other night, except on weekends: those days we show movies and have ping-pong tournaments.  There are card games, bridge and whist, and, on Fridays, there’s casino nights.”  They walk further on to adjoining rooms.  “On Sundays, to entertain visitors, we have Karaoke.  Do you sing, Maddie?”  Maddie shook her head.  Without missing a beat, Sue continued, “did I mention we have arts and crafts?  There is a small studio off the grounds for those who are interested.  We have throw wheels and kilns in case you’re into pottery.  We have an excellent instructor who comes in Monday mornings.”

         “No, I don’t do artsy-fartsy.”

         “Excuse me?”             

         “You were going to ask me if I do arts and crafts, and my answer is no, I don’t do artsy-fartsy.  In fact, I don’t do much of anything.”  Sue’s annoyance towards Maddie begins to seed.

        “Come along now.  We’ve got lots of ground to cover.” Sue was in the business of dealing with old curmudgeons and she gave this one a six, ten being the worst.  The itinerary will continue, and the script will be followed. Chin up, clutch the clipboard and march smartly.  “This is the main dinner room where, as you can see, it’s in a cafeteria style for those who are ambulatory and can help themselves.  We try to encourage all our guests, like yourself, to be as self sufficient as humanly possible.  Complimentary snacks and coffee is served between the hours of one and five in the afternoon.  And you will note that we have fresh cut flowers placed daily on the middle of every….,” as Sue droned on, Maddie noticed a man, approximately her age, sitting in a corner table sipping from a coffee mug.

        He was dressed in a squalid bathrobe, and underneath peeked blue pajamas.  On his head was a sweat-stained, maroon baseball cap that had “Harvard” blazoned in the front. He was shod in very old slippers, the colors of which were so aged that they were indiscernible.  Something of his physical appearance piqued a section of her buried memories, so she walked directly in front of the old man to gain his attention.  Sue was still prattling on, walking forward in a measured pace when she realized that Maddie was no longer behind her, or being attentive. 

         “Oh Maddie…uh, Ms. Horowitz, please stay with me…"said Sue.  "We wouldn’t want you to get lost, now, would we?"  Maddie ignored the request and stood there staring at the old gentleman sipping his drink.  For a full half minute, he did not look up.  Gradually, the old man became aware of two boney ankles, with black socks and black buckled shoes visible below his visor.  He slowly followed the scrawny legs upward until the owner was in full view.  He croaked, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

         “Oh, Maddie, do you know Mr. Salvador here?” chirped Sue, hopefully. 

         A wide smile slowly manifests itself in the old man’s face.  “Well, goddamn, well goddam it all.  I can’t believe it.  I can’t believe it.  Is that you; is that really you, Maddie?  Well, hello there, can’t believe it’s you.  It is you?  Of all places…can’t believe it.  You’ve changed… but not much.  Pretty as ever…er..you do look a little dehydrated…but then, don’t we all.”

         Well, fuck you too, thought Maddie, “It’s good to see you, too, Sal. I hardly recognize you in that outfit. It is you, isn’t it?  Recognized your stoop.  Boy, have you gotten thick.  That bathrobe suits you.  How long have you been buried in it?  Didn’t know you were in the city. I take it that you are a guest in this brightly lit mausoleum?  .”

         “Just got here.  A few months, maybe.”  Then came an embarrassing lull.  They just stood there searching for a smattering of small talk, trying to find the appropriate words to say.  This meeting of providence came so suddenly that they were both unprepared.

          Sue, the assistant director, who was being polite and a patient third party, said, “Look, Ms. Horowitz, seeing as you both know each other, why don’t I just leave you two alone to chat for awhile, and later I can let Mr.Salvador show you the rest of the place.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.  And I’ve tons of paper work on my desk…and, Sal, when you’re finish, just drop her off at the front desk.  Her kids are waiting for her there.” Slowly, Sue drifted toward the door where they had entered….”And behave yourself, Sal,” she added before she disappeared.

          Sal spoke up, “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

         “Yes, I could do with one.”

         “Here, sit right here, while I get you one.  Cream and sugar, right?”

         When Sal came back with the coffee, he laid packets of sugar and powdered cream on the table.  “Didn’t know how much you used, so I got a bunch.  Isn’t Sue something else?  She runs the place, you know.  We call her the ‘Empress’, the real power in this place.  You’ve met Holloway, right?  Well, he’s just a front man.. Never leaves his office…doesn’t like getting near old folks, thinks we’re contagious.  Sue on the other hand likes us old people…like an owner liking his pet dogs.

         Maddie avoided looking at Sal’s eyes which seemed to be staring at her.  She replied, “She seems nice enough, but that spiel sounded like a memorized list.  I guess if you have to do it a dozen times a month...  Well, how’ve you been, Sal?  Such a coincidence, we meeting like this.  I wasn’t aware you were living in the city.  Last I heard you moved some where back east, got married and had kids.” She stirred her coffee.  “Well, how’ve you?…oh, I think I’ve already said that. Sorry.”

         “You get old, you repeat yourself.  It happens,” replied Sal.  “To answer your question, I’ve been doing okay.  Can’t believe my eyes that you’re here in front of me.  I never…I never though I’d ever see you again.  But here you are.”  There was a long pause.  Then Sal coughed and said, “When was it?  I think the last time I saw you was…was at your mother’s.  We had this big fight, I remember, and I stormed out of the house.  What, some sixty plus years ago, was it?  Yea, I think it’s been over sixty years.”

         “God, has it been that long?  Mom was the one who told me that you got married,” said Maddie.  “And that you had a couple of kids.  She also added,’good riddance’.  She really didn’t like you.  I have to admit, it’s strange talking to you like this.  Like you said, I never thought we would run into each other again.

         “Same here.  So what have you been up to all these years?  Married?” asked Sal.

         “Remember Harold Horowitz?” 

         Sal pondered for a moment. “Oh, that jock …we were all in the same statistic class at J. C, if my memory serves me…not the brightest guy in the world.  Good looking, though, what about him?  No, you didn’t?”

         “Oh, but I did.” And Maddie rolled her eyes. “It was just a couple of months after we broke up.  Mom thought he was the greatest thing since canned tuna and was going places, and she really pushed him in front of me.  God was she wrong….”

         “Geeze, sorry to hear that, Maddie.  And is he…?

         “Oh no,  he passed away many years ago.  Been happy living alone since.  He was one big loser, that guy…but he did give me three wonderful kids.  Of course, they’ve all moved on, except my daughter, Helen.  She lives here in the city.  In fact, she’s the one who bought me here.”  She hesitated for a moment and ponders if she should extol her children’s success.  Should she say how well they were doing?  Maddie hated it when others brag about their children, instead she said,” And you?  What have you been doing all these years?”

         Sal began fidgeting with his spoon, calculating which role to play, what voice to use, a trait developed at countless Toast Master meetings. “Well, I got married.  She passed away several years ago.  Also had a couple of kids, all girls.  The marriage was okay.  Remember what we use to say, ‘the secret of a long marriage is the ability of both parties to tolerate boredom with each other’…”

         “Oh, I remember that.  Who said it?  I forgot.”

        “We made it up ourselves.”

         “We did?  Imagine that.  Uh, did you do well?  Financially, I mean.” Asked Maddie.

         “Well, does it look like I did?  I mean, this great Armani bathrobe, and my Pierre Cardin pajamas underneath, and you know I’m not wearing underwear.  I’m also depressed, in need of a shave, and lodged in an old-age home. I think I reek of success, don’t you?”

         “Looks are deceiving, said Maddie.  “I married one that was cheerful as hell, looked terribly successful, and turned out to be just the biggest loser around.  But this place is kinda expensive, and Sue treats you with respect.  I can tell.  In fact, I think she’s kinda afraid of you…which means you’re either a serial killer or you got money.  Have I got that right?  You were cute…once.  Now look at you.  Ugly as sin and probably as rich as Trump.”

         “You know those little plastic tags that tells you the price of an item in the super market?  Well, I manufactured those little tags for most of the chain stores in this state, or I did before I sold the business.”

         “Is there money making those little tags?” asked Maddie
 
         “You wouldn’t think so,” answered Sal.

          “You know, I’ve always thought of you now and then,” said Maddie, “less as the years rolled by, but I always had that ‘what if’ when I did think of you.” Maddie paused and looked up at the ceiling.  “Sometimes I get sad, very sad, knowing you’ve probably passed away, and we would never meet again, never to have closure, never to catch up on things, or find how things turned out.”   

         “God damn it, that’s…that’s awfully sad,” said Sal, and he brushed the soiled sleeve of his pajamas across his eyes.  And as they chatted on, their talk grew in momentum, with periodical bursts of laughter.  They detailed their lives to each other as if they were strangers; they reminisced about their mutual friends and acquaintances, living and dead, their whereabouts, their destinies and the surprise at what they had became, of old haunts and restaurants that no longer existed.  The hour passed, the fuel of gossip turned into embers and the silence between sentences began to lengthen.  And near the end, they both became quiet, both staring into space. Finally, Sal spoke up.

         “But here we are…and I thought of you a lot, too,” said Sal. “I thought of writing…I knew where you lived but not the address.  I couldn’t bring myself to finding out.  Anyway, I was already married, and when my wife, Annie, died, I just kinda gave up on everything and moved back here.  Got into this rest home so the kids don’t have to worry about me.   What about you?  Same reason?”

         “No.  I hate goddamn places like this.  My daughter wants to put me in here.  But never mind all that.  What bothers me right now is…why did we break up?  Do you remember?  It was your last semester in college and I was still a junior.  We were together for…what …nearly a year?  It was something to do with…I really can’t remember.  I do remember it was at my mother’s place, and you were talking to my mother, and I got angry and I screamed at you.  You slammed the front door on the way out, and broke the stained glass panel.  Then you ran to your car, that old, beat up Pontiac.  I still remember the blue sun shade in front of the windshields and the fluffy pair of white dice hanging from your rear view mirror.”

         “The car had wires holding up the bumpers. Do you remember that?” asked Sal.

         “Yea and it rattled every time you and I were….” And Maddie began to laugh.  “So, what the hell happened to us?”

         “We were young.  Too young, I guess,” said Sal, amusingly. “I think it was because I agreed with your mother when she criticized you for something…something to do with your appearance.  Anyway, it could’ve been something else, but the main thing was, I took her side too often.  And that one time was one time too many.  I thought about it later and you were right to get angry at me…but I did it only because I didn’t think your mother liked me, and I just wanted to please her.  Anyway, it was just some petty shit… I do remember thinking how grossly unfair of you to suddenly lose your temper and telling me to leave.  So, I did.  I remember slamming the front door when I left but I don’t remember breaking any glass.”

        “Well, you did,” said Maddie.

        “But, you know what?  I was sitting and waiting in the car, hoping that you’d come out and…sort of apologize,” said Sal. “I waited quite a while before taking off.”

         “Bullshit, you did!” said Maddie.  “I knew I was wrong when I yelled at you.  It wasn’t that long when I came out looking for you…and you were already gone.”

        “You came out?”

         “Yes, I did.  And you weren’t there,”

         “Well, why didn’t you call me after?  I waited by the phone.”

         “Why didn’t you?  I waited too,” said Maddie.

         Sal began rubbing his forehead and noticed the assistant director, Sue, and some other people standing by the entrance of the cafeteria.  Sue was pointing at her watch.  “I think our zoo keeper is trying to tell us something.  Is that your daughter standing next to her?”

        Maddie turned her head and said,“Yes, that’s her…and next to her is Richard, my son-in-law.  He’s a prick,”

         “If you say so, then he is.  Look, Maddie, let’s get together here for dinner tonight.  The food isn’t half bad and I’m sure it's complementary for potential residents.  Can’t pass up free food, now, can we?  Go join your kids, they’re looking kinda nervous, and I’ll see you this evening, okay?

         “I guess so.” And Maddie got up from her seat and walked toward the group.  She hesitated, turned, and waved bye-bye.  They all began to walk toward the lobby.

         Richard spoke up.  “Who the hell was that?”

         “Somebody I knew a long, long time ago,” answered Maddie.

         “See.  What did I tell you, mom”, said Helen.  “You’ve barely just got in here and already you’re making friends.  I think this place will really suit you, aren’t I right, Richard?”  Richard and Sue nodded their heads approvingly. “So, should we sign up today?  Might as well.  We’ve been to half a dozen places and you’ve got to agree, it’s the best so far.”

         “No, I don’t like this place,” said Maddie, suddenly.  “I want to leave now.  And I don’t ever want to come back.”  And she hobbled toward the entrance leaving the group standing there, all puzzled and confused.  Maddie didn’t look back.  She reached into her purse for her cell phone.  She punched in a number, waited for an answer and said, “Joanie, you wouldn’t believe in a million years who I saw today…”
         

        


                                                                                            
       

   

          


        

        

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